Just when you thought you knew the language! By Gail BerganNovember, 1999 I thought I would share with you how my work is going these days. I am surrounded (haunted might be a better word) by foreign languages. I must have "glutton for punishment" written on my forehead. In the past year or so I have become a magnet for some tough editing projects—documents that were either translated from another language into English, or were written by someone with English as their second language. I thought I would share some snippets from these projects with you, since they are far enough in my past that I can finally laugh about them. First there is "Japlish." I occasionally subcontract from a client in Japan who runs an editorial service for Japanese scientists who wish to get their research published in English-language journals. The following comes from one of the papers I edited recently: "The parallel arrangement like comb structure of clinoptilolite are observed at the pinched-in part of cast-off volcanic glass shards. And some clinoptilolites filled the vesicle are also observed K-type clinoptilolite is formed although precursor volcanic glass did not abundant in K or pore water related to clinoptilolite formation did not rich in K such as remained geological record." Then there is "Spanglish"—software manuals from my South American client. It seems the software developer thought manuals were simply overhead (can you believe it?), so they hired a grad student to write them, getting them done as cheaply as possible. The original was written in Venezuelan Spanish, but was later translated into English by an Argentinean, to accommodate their English-speaking foreign offices who would also use the software. Could I clean them up? "You mean, without even seeing the software?" I ask. "Yes, we don't have the budget to pay you to rewrite them from scratch." "OK, sure, no problem," I said. Subsequently, my days were filled trying to decipher about 250 pages filled with statements such as: "Loading of data which is a prerequisite exclusive of production is analyzed, such as Production Time Framework, based on the Production Module Time Framework, which is detailed monthly in this case." "The program will ensure that the loaded starting date is less than the period starting date; except in the Fall-off type of periods where historical flowing rate data loading is allowed." Some of them even brought tears to my eyes: "There are fields that allow saving the corresponding unit and this one has to be valid. No matter the unit the data is loaded with; this one will be saved in the base transformed to the corresponding unit according to each field by means of a mathematical calculus." Then I landed a client in France who wanted help with their Web site ("Frenglish"). They run a string of hotels throughout France and wanted to attract more American clientele, but their Web site read like this: "A sophisticated space, a complete harmony between colours and antiques, will charm you. A warmly welcome, smile and courtesy, for successful stay. Standard room or Duplex, all rooms are spacious, bright and comfortable. Bathroom made of marble from Portugal are an invitation to take care of yourself. the flowered courtyard isolates the guest rooms from the outside animation."If your room doesn't overlook the courtyard, then you may contemplate the patio planted of trees and flowers". ' Well, at least it's not technical. So, just when I am at my most self-righteous, quite proud of my command of the English language, I decided to take a refresher course in French in preparation for my upcoming trip there this summer. Having only taken one year of French in high school, I decided to start over in the beginner's class. Learning a foreign language as an adult has to rank right up there with some of the most humiliating experiences a person can have. I am spending two evenings a week at the L'Alliance Francaise de Houston, struggling with sentences like: "Yes, I have one cat, but no dog," and "I like to go to the cinema." My instructor bursts out laughing when "I know my name" comes out in French as "I know my man." My hearing is no better than my pronunciation. When translating an audio tape, and the guy says "J'adore la nature" (I love nature), instead I hear "J'ai un ordinateur" (I have a computer). Taking this class has given me a new appreciation for those among us who are bilingual, and who would even dare write a technical document in English. I officially apologize to all of you for every bad thing I've ever said about your English-language skills. You are all geniuses, and you have my utmost respect. o Gail Bergan is a contractor specializing in technical writing and editing, desktop publishing, and electronic publishing in the Houston area.